February 10th, 2009
|10:45 pm - LJ Idol Week 20 - Love Means Never Having to Say|
I was hidden in a wooden box.
I crouched down in its corner to make myself as small as possible. I attempted to remain quiet, but at the moment it didn't really matter. He couldn't hear me over sounds that reminded me of the fireworks from last summer; that beautiful night where we laid on terry cloth blankets and watched the explosions in the sky.
Where are you hiding?
My elbows throbbed from the splinters, my eyes stung with tears. My knees were scraped and I had watched a stream of my blood tremble over the softwood lumber.
I wanted to jump out and scream, cry, stomp my feet; anything to have released my frustration. But I couldn't which angered me so much more. I had to stay invisible in the box, hoping he wouldn't know I was inside. I desperately tried to keep calm, to block out the reality that this might be the last position I was to lay in for the rest of my life.
The gun was coming, I heard it loud and clear.
Are you ready to die?
That was it, he found out, and I was at the end. At that point I knew I was never going to be able to wear his ring around my finger; I was never never going to feel his baby grow in my womb; I was never going to smell the sweet spearmint on his breath when he would lean in to kiss me.
I tried to focus on the fresh, sweet, balsamic aroma of the wood, but the smell of war was too overpowering. That is when we made eye contact, for our last time.
Do you believe in God?
Well, I had a question for him too. Did he want to know how deeply my soul can go? My soul goes deeper than my skin, my bones, and my tangible heart.
Our bodies are only molecules of oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, and phosphorus. Similar elements to the box of wood I was hidden in, made up of many rings of carbon and polymers of a sugar. We are nothing but chemicals. My body, his body, even the bullet; all except for my love for him.
I accepted that bullet would burst through my body.
I would let it break down the cells in my skin. Let my blood seep all over the box. That bullet took my body, but it didn't take away what wasn't tangible, my undying love for him.
He couldn't make me disappear completely. Only my physical aspects could change. I became the oxygen he now breathes; I became the excited molecules that still surround him to keep him warm; I became the wind that gives him a hug every morning on the way to his car.
The type of love I give requires no words.
Current Mood: groggy
We've got to find you a nice boy. Or girl.
One of your boyfriends really threatened you with a gun? :(
You have the rare ability to be unique and compelling.
Your comment made me happy, thank you!
This is my favorite so far!
Really? Thanks! I am so glad you liked it.
|Date:||February 11th, 2009 04:09 am (UTC)|| |
Oooh lovely. One of those rare entries that gives me chills.
Thank you! I felt like going the creepy route this week. :)
wow, creepy, pulled me right in!
Thank you! I am glad you like it.
Interesting. And yet it felt like a slap in the face to the girl that heard those words. I can't be sure what you were going for here, but it's unsettling.
That is exactly what I was going for. I wanted to go the creepy route this week.
love this. love that you are trying to inject some science-y thinking. don't be afraid to go too far with it though. even if your audience doesn't understand EVERYTHIGN you're saying, it can be like poetry & just getting the gist of it is enough (like when listening/learning a foreign language).
Thank you! Sometimes I do worry about getting too sciency. But you make a good point on how it could be like poetry.
I am excited I got my tenses right in this one. ;)
This is so trippy. It totally unsettles me, because I've seen abusive relationships (not that extreme, but still.) It's so true that some people would take a bullet and consider it love, or that they deserved it. At the same time you paint a stunningly real mental picture of being hidden in the box. My first thought was of a warped game of hide and seek. It's poetic. And twisted logic all at the same time. This makes us feel and react, which is always a good thing.
Thank you so much. I really am happy you came by and read this, and also was able to react to it. I wanted to try something different, and write a creepy and unsettling story.
|Date:||February 11th, 2009 02:11 pm (UTC)|| |
That was hauntingly beautiful.
|Date:||February 11th, 2009 05:17 pm (UTC)|| |
This was creepy.
Judging your writing alone, this was very well done, but it's one of those entries that makes me want to discuss the character and how much I wish she'd found help before the end.
Her final sentiment is so jarringly wrong to me that I have a hard time understanding it, her, and by default, the story.
I really don't mean that to suggest that you haven't mastered your craft, because you have, but I also wanted to comment on the content of the story itself.
Well done. And creepy. :)
Thank you! This was exactly what I was going for. I wanted to tell a creepy story about a woman one can not identify with. :)
Creepily chilling. Good entry.
I became the oxygen he now breathes; I became the excited molecules that still surround him to keep him warm; I became the wind that gives him a hug every morning on the way to his car.
<3 <3 <3
I loved this. Excellent work, lady.
Thank you!!! I am really happy that you liked it.
Bam, extremely well done. I would praise particulars, but just over all - very very well done. I love it! :D