March 29th, 2009
|08:30 pm - LJ Idol Week 27 - Step One - The Redo - Cracked Up|
It was quite difficult to walk, especially with so many eyes on me.
Something that came so naturally, something I have been doing since I was only a toddler can be forgotten instantaneously.
In my attempt, I would raise up one leg, bend my knee, and stumble as I put it down. My name was already called so even though I felt exposed, I had to keep walking to the balance beam - shocked that I didn’t fall over on the way.
My eyes looked at the crowd. Sitting there were so many people who had different meanings to me. In one area there were there was a group of girls who were always cruel to me but was there to support my teammates, on one end was my ex-boyfriend with his friends- probably there to watch the other girls in leotards, my crush at the time - hopefully there to see me, my parents, and friends.
Inside of us, there are so many different organs. All of these broken feelings may start in the brain, but when they get intense enough, the body physically feels the effects all over.
Heartbreak pumped from my heart; fear provided an uncomfortable sensation of warmth under my neck; anxiety tied a knot below my chest; weakness was dancing around in my legs.
Once the judges were ready for me one of them would salute me, by raising their hand in the air. Then when I am ready to mount onto the beam, I salute them back.
During the next eighty four seconds performing on an area only four inches wide and four feet in the air, I had to stay glued together.
Any minor error I made would be recorded and penalized by the judges. If I wore nail polish, adjusted my leotard, forget to point my toes, or even scratched an itch discretely, it would get noted. It was time to ignore my broken body and be strong.
Any major error would cause my bones to break, my skull to crack, my nose to bleed; therefore I would look on the outside the same way I did on the inside.
I pretended the balance beam was one long magnet. There were also magnets in my hands and feet, light enough so I could jump high into the air, yet strong enough so my body would stick back to the beam every time it left it.
I hopped on the vault, grabbed the beam with my hands, and held myself up in a handstand for a few seconds, spread my legs so I looked like the letter "T", and slowly brought them down in position so I was doing a center split across the beam. I put one hand in the air to pose, raised my back high, then winked at the judges.
They smiled, and wrote something down, they loved when the girls winked. When they acted like they weren’t in pain.
After standing up gracefully, I performed a series of acrobatic moves, turns, leaps, and dances, then worked my way to one end of the beam. I closed my eyes and focused.
I did two back handsprings, letting my hands glue to the softness of the light brown suede in between each one, turned, and did a front tuck to dismount. I bent my knee’s as my feet hit the floor, turned and did my ending salute.
There was my prompt to turn my body back to who I really was, a shattered girl hidden underneath pale skin.
* * * *
One can crack into software- illegally modifying it to remove protection methods.
People crack eggs every morning, watching the contents splatter on their pan, frying and making cackling sounds in their kitchen.
Some snort crack, inhaling the powder through their nose, and allow it to be absorbed into the bloodstream through the nasal tissues, making them feel euphoria, and in obtaining extreme confidence.
Even a diamond, which is the hardest naturally occurring material known due to the strong covalent bonds can crack, and possibly shatter relatively easily from impact of a hammer.
One’s health can break so easily by something that can‘t even be seen by the naked eye. A virus, an organism just 20 to 400 nanometers in diameter can move onto one microscopic humans cell, thus destroying the body.
So many things can crack so easily, so why can't I say that my brain is broken?
* * * *
I long for those eighty four seconds to return, since I felt obligated for all my body parts to be put together as one. The time when people would watch me in awe, as I turned into an exquisite magnet; causing balance, movement, and just downright existing to look so simple.
I may appear collected, but inside I am so delicate.
I fake confidence now just so I can walk properly. I look graceful as I can even though inside I hesitate. I smile big, and let it light up a room.
Everyday I drive my truck across a bridge, with the window open allowing the wind to blow my long blonde hair in many directions. I look at the beautiful body of the Hudson River, and day dream about making a sharp turn to the right, driving right into it.
When I would be found I know I would do good - my license indicates that I am an organ donor. However, I am concerned about the people who would get my parts.
My organs function from a brain that lacks the necessary hormones to keep myself happy.
I worry about who will wear my corneas, which helped me see what no woman should see.
I worry about the person who would receive my liver, which must be frail from all of those years of fostering the burdensome knot of anxiety that lays on top of it.
Most of all, I worry about the unlucky soul who will obtain the pieces left of my dissipating heart.
Current Mood: cold
March 3rd, 2009
|08:47 pm - This voice post is for my buddy gratefuladdict|
Edit: FUCK. I am eating some Ben and Jerrys that was in my freezer. However upon closer inspection of the carton, I realized it is not the low-fat version. FUCK FUCK THE FAT ICE CREAM.
February 10th, 2009
|10:45 pm - LJ Idol Week 20 - Love Means Never Having to Say|
I was hidden in a wooden box.
I crouched down in its corner to make myself as small as possible. I attempted to remain quiet, but at the moment it didn't really matter. He couldn't hear me over sounds that reminded me of the fireworks from last summer; that beautiful night where we laid on terry cloth blankets and watched the explosions in the sky.
Where are you hiding?
My elbows throbbed from the splinters, my eyes stung with tears. My knees were scraped and I had watched a stream of my blood tremble over the softwood lumber.
I wanted to jump out and scream, cry, stomp my feet; anything to have released my frustration. But I couldn't which angered me so much more. I had to stay invisible in the box, hoping he wouldn't know I was inside. I desperately tried to keep calm, to block out the reality that this might be the last position I was to lay in for the rest of my life.
The gun was coming, I heard it loud and clear.
Are you ready to die?
That was it, he found out, and I was at the end. At that point I knew I was never going to be able to wear his ring around my finger; I was never never going to feel his baby grow in my womb; I was never going to smell the sweet spearmint on his breath when he would lean in to kiss me.
I tried to focus on the fresh, sweet, balsamic aroma of the wood, but the smell of war was too overpowering. That is when we made eye contact, for our last time.
Do you believe in God?
Well, I had a question for him too. Did he want to know how deeply my soul can go? My soul goes deeper than my skin, my bones, and my tangible heart.
Our bodies are only molecules of oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, and phosphorus. Similar elements to the box of wood I was hidden in, made up of many rings of carbon and polymers of a sugar. We are nothing but chemicals. My body, his body, even the bullet; all except for my love for him.
I accepted that bullet would burst through my body.
I would let it break down the cells in my skin. Let my blood seep all over the box. That bullet took my body, but it didn't take away what wasn't tangible, my undying love for him.
He couldn't make me disappear completely. Only my physical aspects could change. I became the oxygen he now breathes; I became the excited molecules that still surround him to keep him warm; I became the wind that gives him a hug every morning on the way to his car.
The type of love I give requires no words.
Current Mood: groggy
January 7th, 2009
|11:31 am - LJ Idol Week 15- Cracking Up|
It was love at first sight.
I was in a coffee shop sipping my cinnamon dolce latte, when I saw him sitting afar. He looked up and our eyes met, it was an instant connection. Our whole lives followed separate paths, but the stars aligned for this very time and this very day for them to turn and intertwine.
Amazed, I quickly looked down. I felt my heart speed, my mouth went dry. I needed just one more look. Finally he noticed me, but this time I did not look away. I sent a warm yet angelic smile. He blushed, and I knew right there he felt our bond. Suddenly him and his friend just got up and left. I was crushed, why did his friend make him leave? I its okay, I will meet his friends. I will find out his number.
He loves me?
That night at the bar I felt somewhat melancholy, as I thought about him all day. My friends were all having a good time. "Those bitches", I mumbled under my breath. They don't know what it is like to have a lost connection. I took another shot of Grey Goose flavored with a green sour apple blow-pop. Suddenly, I spotted him in the corner. I squealed, it really was meant to be. I needed to get him over to my table. Finally, he looked. My friend asked me what I was going to do. "PLAY ALONG" I whispered, and I shoved my lollipop into her mouth. I watched his group and they were all staring.
Lollipop, must mistake me for a sucker
I took the lollipop out of her mouth, and pressed her face into mine. My tongue felt hers, tasting the tart apple flavor on her tongue. The bar cheered. When I looked around he was gone again, that little tease. I am the real deal. He was just trying to drive me crazy playing hard to get, and it was working. I was going insane and certainly needed these preposterous games to stop.
Our new mutual friend said he would be at this party in a few days. I decided to clear my schedule for that night. Before the party, I rubbed my body with lotion that gave me a hypnotic scent of luscious plum and purple orchid, I made my eyes look smoky and seductive, and wore a tight but classic little black dress. I walked in holding my head high, and there he was, with those handsome blue eyes watching me.
That's it, I fucking had it. I hate to be dramatic, but he is going to scream my name tonight.
I waited until the coast was clear, snatched his arm, and pulled him into the hallway. He looked at me with love and a hint of lust in his eyes. Good thing we have such a connection, because I understood when he told me he just got out of a relationship, and didn't want another woman in his life now.
I could be his friend first, and he could vent to me. Maybe then we could cuddle, watch a movie, and possibly more. I really needed to talk to him but he was leaving the party. I mean, what would any sensible girl do in this situation? I got into my car and followed him home.
I know he really loves me.
When we got to his house he stormed out of his car and started yelling at me. I felt so bad for him, he must have been really hurt by this ex. I made up some lame story how I only followed him because I needed his address so I could send him some baked goods to cheer him up. Now my car just wouldn't start. If only he could just let me use his phone, mine was broken.
Ha, I am so clever.
I called a cab, and slipped his phone back into his jacket pocket. He made me promise I would never bother him again. After all of this he is still playing these games? I can play right back. "Yes", I lied as I gently reached my hand back by his pocket. He didn't realize that I put his phone into my purse.
I have been putting myself out there for him, and all he wanted to do was play with my heart.
I had better things to do anyway. I sulked during the cab ride home, stormed over to my bed holding his cell phone, while tossing my pack of pills in the garbage can on the way. So he needed space, that is fine.
Time to call my future mother in law instead.
EDIT: Shit, he just updated his LJ about me: :/
Current Mood: mischievous
Current Music: Blondie- Call me
November 10th, 2008
|05:58 pm - LJ Idol: Week 8 - Sit Down and Shut Up - Ranting LJ style|
The Types of People Who Annoy Me
1. I really hate it when people use a fake disclaimer before they make an ignorant statement. Such as "I am not racist, but these three mean black guys were just here", or "Not like I have anything against gay people, but that guy is flaming". Why make that statement if you actually are not racist or homophobic? Why does one have to point out that persons race or sexual orientation? They may as well just say:
"I am not racist or anything but I hate kikes, spics, homos, dykes, blacks, liberals, and your mom". Because that would mean the same thing to me.
Or my favorite "I am not a racist, I have a black neighbor for heavens sake". Guess what, you are a bigot and we have a black president now, a sexy one indeed. Go move to Canada.
2. Girls who are guilty of using the new attention-whore myspace pose. I am not talking about girls who make their default pictures a high contrast photo of them puckering their lips while wearing big sunglasses. Come on, that is so 2007. It seems like the new hot trend is for girls to get together with their friends, one bends over, and the other grinds against their butt. Honestly, their ineffective imitation of being sexy only serves to illuminate their lack of substance and decency. What is even funnier is when they post blogs wondering why men don't respect them, or don't call the next day. That is what happens when you have more crabs then Red Lobster.
3.Those who use the mobile chair at Walmart who don't need it. They use it because they are too lazy to shop and walk on their own. Why burn a calorie while contemplating if you will be purchasing a dozen boxes of Golden Oreo's or the Double Stuffed, when you can rent a cart to do the walking for you? I used to just laugh at how lazy they were, and move on. However one day at Walmart, I got hit by a woefully grotesque idiot in the mobile chair. She reversed it right into me. The best part was that she did not apologize. In fact, she gave me a dirty look for being in her way. In fairness, it does give a warning beep when they back up, but some of us have tinnitus and only hear beeping all day. Go do me a favor and bathe your putrid carcass in industrial strength bleach.
4. People who are constantly nagging me when I am going to get married. First of all it is rude, but why even assume that I want to get married? I would love to respond to the nosy inquiring people that I enjoy sleeping around, and why would I want to take my hard earned savings and give another person the rights to obtain 50% of it. The looks on their obnoxious faces would probably be very similar to my gynecologist's when I told her that me and my boyfriend prefer not to use protection, and I will need a shoebox filled with the morning after pill just in case (kidding). For real, I do want to get married. Especially so I can look forward to everyone asking me when I am going to have babies.
5. Those who accuse "The Other Woman" as being a home-wrecker without recognizing that the husband is wrong as well. If I hear one more person accuse Angelina Jolie of being a home-wrecker while acting like Brad Pitt is totally innocent, I am going to take my computer printer which has not stopped jamming for the past two weeks and throw it at them. First of all, the married man took a vow to his wife. Unless the other women put a gun to the husbands head and says that she will shoot unless he gets an erection and to insert immediately, he is just as guilty.
6. The committee who made the determination that Pluto is no longer a planet. They are all a bunch of assholes. Last time I checked, Pluto sure looks like celestial body that has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium shape. It orbits around the sun, and has its own moon's orbiting it. It was always my favorite planet. Like Earth, Pluto and one of its moons, Charon are locked together so that they always face each other. It also has an atmosphere, while our own moon doesn't. That is so badass. I don't care if a bunch of cranky PhD's think that it is a big ice-chip that hasn't "cleared the neighborhood" of its orbit.
If you posses any of these qualities, then not only am I annoyed, but my dachshund Sherlock:
For my VI friends, the picture is my dog holding a sign that says "Does Not Approve"
Current Mood: happy
October 27th, 2008
|09:12 pm - LJ Idol: Week 6- Ghosts|
When people experience their first love, many think it will be their one and only.
I did when I started college. So did my friend Steve*, who at the time was so happy that he found a girl he loved, until she found her way into another man's arms.
He reached out to me one night to vent. We ate a "cup o' noodles", drank some hot chocolate warmed from a hot plate. We walked into the chilly night, bundled up in warm sweatshirts, scarfs, and hats. We made a mountain of leaves to lay in and watched the night sky to make pictures out of the stars. We ended up looking diligently for a constellation named Pegasus, shaped as the legendary but mortal warrior horse. Upon the death of Pegasus, Zeus honored him with a constellation for his dedication.
As we giggled during our search, I felt myself secretly crushing on him, and believed it was mutual.
In order to find Pegasus in the sky, you have to search hard. It is quite difficult to see the figure as a horse because the constellation is actually upside down. Once we actually found it, our arms brushed and I felt a spark in my body. We were thrilled and decided that finding Pegasus symbolized getting though pain. Because it takes time and work to pinpoint it, but with the right effort and patience, one can grasp it.
Soon my boyfriend at the time broke up with me. I was devastated and went into hibernation for days in my dorm room. After awhile, Steve was fed up seeing me in pain, and whispered to me during class that is was time to find Pegasus again. He would pick me up later on.
That night in my dorm I heard two slow knocks. When I opened the door it felt like a heat wave hit my room, but it was not the temperature that was rising. I saw him standing there, and months of innocent sparks ignited up my leg and trailed down to my fingertips.
Not a word was said. The only noise heard was when he picked me up, and slammed me against the wall. Our built up tension started to release as our lips met. We kissed passionately and it seemed like only minutes, but must have lasted for an hour. Every thrust he pushed inside me made me see more and more stars. One of the few times I stars in random patterns. Later on we found Pegasus again, and I finally found some peace.
One day Steve was no longer around. He suddenly dropped out of school. We never even got each other's number. I even don't remember his last name. Rumor has it that he eventually went off to Iraq. Is he even alive today? I don't know. What I do know is that I will never see Steve again. I missed him, and will always wonder where he went.
Whenever I feel like I need to get through a rough time, I sit outside in the chilly night and look for Pegasus.
Love can appear in many forms. As I stare up above and search, I always feel the spirit of Steve hug me tight.
*Name has been changed.
Current Mood: contemplative
October 14th, 2008
|07:29 pm - There is a full moon tonight.|
People ask me why I love to stare at the night sky so much.
Lay down on the cool grass and look up above. In the sky there is beautiful cluster of seven stars that shine bright and look like a measuring cup. It is part of the Ursa Major, known to most as the Big Dipper.
Now look on the handle of the cup, right where your thumb would sit if you were holding it. Under close observation, you will see that two stars are paired together, and their names are Mizar and Alcor.
In reality these two stars are over 300 light years away. But from our point of view they stand together, and wont let go.
Call up someone you miss and tell them to do the same. Even if you are thousands of miles away, feel the comfort that during the exact same moment you are staring at exact same thing. It will make you feel closer, just like Mizar and Alcor.
Current Mood: mellow
September 15th, 2008
|01:55 pm - LJ Idol|
This post is to hearby announce that I will be removing my LJ Idol purity ring. Season 5, my idol virginity is yours. Just promise you will call me the next day.
Wish me luck!
Current Mood: excited
July 18th, 2008
|10:17 pm - Fidelity|
I got lost in the sounds I hear in my mind
All these voices I hear in my mind
All these words I hear in mind
All this music, and it breaks my heart...
Suppose I kept on singing love songs, just to break my own fall.
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Regina Spektor - Fidelity
February 23rd, 2008
|10:35 am - Ugh.|
WHAT THE FUCK
Ashlee Sandler of Harriman struggles to get her shopping cart through the deep snow on the way to her vehicle in the parking lot at Wal-Mart in Monroe. 2-21-08. The plows could not keep up with the rapidly falling snow.
Times Herald-Record/DOMINICK FIO
Current Mood: groggy